DB or Not DB?
by Athenaktt
Summary: COMPLETED! Sheppard finds out that Lorne's name is really D.B., so he and Rodney spend most of the day trying to figure out what D.B. really stands for.


_**A/N:**The origin of this fic came about when MsPooh and I were really bored one day and started to brainstorm all the possible names Lorne could have. We had some good ones and some ridculously silly ones. But after watching some clips from Dragon Con and watching the specific clip where Kavan Smith answers the question of his favorite color as "DARK Blue", we figured THAT should be Lorne's name. Because it's just awesome and completely unexpected. So I definitely blame this little crack!fic on MsPooh and Blue Banrigh. _

_I wasn't going to post this here, but then I figured. What the heck! Like MsPooh said, "If you can't laugh at D.B. Lorne, you don't have a sense of humor."_

**Pairings:** None, at least not on purpose.

**Spoilers:** Up to "McKay and Mrs. Miller"

**D.B. or not D.B.?**

"D.B.?" Colonel John Sheppard walked up to Major Lorne and gave him an odd look. "D.B.?" he said again zipping up his vest.

Lorne only shrugged. He had been on Atlantis for a couple years and no one had bothered to ask about this first name… until now.

"D.B.?" John repeated.

"Yes, D.B., sir," Lorne replied with a blank face wondering to himself why did he happen to be standing in the gateroom as Colonel Sheppard approached him? That's right. They were about to go on reconnaissance mission... again.

"What does it stand for? Duane Barry?"

"Duane Barry? Did you steal my _X-Files_ DVDs again?" McKay asked strolling up next to them.

"I didn't steal your _X-rated_ stuff, Rodney." The scientist was about to protest the accusation, but John interrupted him. "Besides today's topic is Major D.B. Lorne."

"D.B. Lorne, eh?" When the topic finally computed in his large brain, Rodney looked at Lorne, befuddled. "Your name is D.B.? What does it stand for? Dave & Busters?"

"They have Dave & Busters in Canada?" John asked.

"Yeah, there's one in Toronto."

"Oh. Hey, Lorne! I mean, D.B.! Where are you going?"

Lorne cursed under his breath. He was too slow in making his escape through the Stargate. "Sir?" He turned around reluctantly. "We have a recon mission today." He pointed at the activated Stargate.

"Right, we'll continue this on the other side."

"Oh, joy."

Times like these made Lorne wished his name was just Lorne. Like Madonna, Cher, Sting, Bono, God...

-----

**Four Hours Later...**

"David Bowie."

"Dan Brown."

"Daniel Baldwin."

"Daniel Boone."

"What?" Lorne resisted the urge to ask if his superior was on cracked and sat down on a rock as they waited for Ronon and Teyla to return from somewhere. He couldn't recall where they went, but he was glad that it was only McKay and Colonel Sheppard who were immensely entertained by his name.

"So which one is it?"

"Excuse me?" Lorne had not expected Sheppard to address him.

"We rattled off a bunch of possible name combinations with the initial D.B.; one of them has to be the correct, right?"

"You were naming name of celebrities with D.B. for their initials."

"So?"

Where was a Wraith ambush when you need one? Lorne sighed and pursed his lips together and said the last name he remembered. "Daniel Boone."

Rodney and John stood before Lorne, mimicking each other's posture. Both had their arms crossed over their chest and their expressions were of stupefaction.

"Okay, not Daniel Boone," Rodney said to John.

"Nope, definitely not Daniel Boone," John agreed. "He doesn't look like a Daniel Boone."

"Daniel Boone? What's that?" A low voice asked John.

Great, Ronon and Teyla had return and now they are joining in on the D.B. Guessing Game. Lorne looked up at the sky and wondered which galaxy's god did he piss off this time to deserve this?

"Daniel Boone was an American frontiersman."

"What's a frontiersman?" Ronon asked.

"Uh... A guy that lives in the frontier."

"What's a frontier?" Teyla asked.

"It's like space the _final_ frontier."

"You know," Rodney glowered at John, "you have a Captain Kirk complex."

"You have an Accuse-Sheppard-of being-Kirk complex."

"I have a headache," Lorne muttered to himself and buried his head in his hands.

"Are you both still trying to figure out Major Lorne's name?" Teyla asked.

"What's the point?" Ronon said. "I think D.B. is cool."

"Cool? What have you been watching? Baywatch?"

Ronon ignored Rodney's question, sat down next to Lorne, and hooked an arm around his shoulder, making Lorne look smaller than he actually was.

"I think leaving it D.B. gives the Major an air of mystery."

"Since when do you care about anyone having an air of mystery?"

Before Ronon could return a growl to McKay's remark, Teyla decided she should end this pseudo-bickering match before she felt the urge to kick both men.

"I think it is time we headed back to Atlantis," she said. "There is nothing more for us here."

None of the men said anything or moved. Teyla only ignored the men and started to dial the gate.

"What if D.B. stands for something completely off the wall?" John suggested.

"Are you saying Lorne's parents were hippies or something? Major, were your parents hippies?

"Were _your_ parents hippies?" Lorne asked Rodney in return.

"What do you think? His name is Meredith!" John said and started laughing.

"That does not mean my parents were hippies. It just means that—"

"Your name is Meredith!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha, so my name is Meredith. We established that months ago. Let's get back to the original subject of _D.B. Lorne_."

Lorne groaned inwardly and followed Teyla and Ronon through the Stargate. Not that walking through vertical puddle and being disintegrated into millions of pieces through a wormhole was going to get McKay and Sheppard to change subjects anytime soon.

They were greeted in the Atlantis gateroom by Doctor Elizabeth Weir, who gave Teyla and Lorne a relieved nod when she saw Rodney and John walk through the gate in one piece.

"Major Lorne," Elizabeth nodded.

"Doctor Weir."

"Looks like everything went well."

"Well enough, Ma'am." Lorne glanced at the two men behind him.

"So what do you mean by off the wall?"

Apparently, they had moved on from celebrity names with the initials D.B. to random combinations of words with the initials D.B.

"I mean something like," John stopped to think for a moment, "Duck Bill."

"Okay, that is not off the wall. That is just stupid."

"Not as stupid as Dumb Butt"

"Or Dumb Boys," Elizabeth muttered under her breath. "Gentlemen, I don't know what you are talking about, but—"

"Did you know that Lorne's first name is D.B.?" John asked Elizabeth.

"Of course, I did," she smiled.

"You did? How?" he eyed Elizabeth and Lorne suspiciously.

"I'm the boss," she reminded him. "I know _everything_."

John decided to ignore the sinister tone behind her remark and pursued with his questioning. "So you know what D.B. stands for?"

"Yes, I do."

"And you'll tell us what it stands for?"

"No, I won't."

"Why not?"

"Why should I disclose something Major Lorne obviously wants to keep a secret from you two?"

"Because I asked nicely?"

Elizabeth gave them a sly smile and walked up the stairs into the control room.

"Elizabeth," John chased ever her up the stairs. "I made a bet with Rodney; the first to figure out Lorne's name can't talk for 24 hours. And every time he talks I get a hundred bucks."

"You two made a bet on Major Lorne's name?" Elizabeth said incredulously and looked over at Lorne who only shrugged. "All right," she raised an eyebrow, "double or nothing that neither you nor Rodney will figure out Major Lorne's name."

"Double or nothing? That's 48 hours. Rodney would explode if he can't talk for that long! Deal."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, I don't like the sound of that."

"It's just 48 hours, Rodney. You'll survive... maybe."

"You two have until midnight to figure out what D.B. stands for. I'll give you one clue. It's something you'd never even think of."

"Oh, that's a lot of help, Elizabeth," Rodney whined.

"You're welcome. Now if you two will excuse me I have mission reports to go over, and don't forget I still need a briefing from this mission."

Everyone quickly dispersed from the control room, except for Lorne, who followed Elizabeth into her office.

"Ma'am, you know they are never going to figure it out."

"I know, and for once we'll have peace and quiet for 48 hours, or I'll be a couple hundred dollars richer after 48 hours."

"You certain have a way with men, ma'am."

"Why thank you, Major. It's a gift."

-----

**Midnight **

"I got it! Docking Bay."

"What Docking Bay 94? What are you Han Solo?"

"If we were in a Star Wars movie, yes, I'd be Han Solo," John replied, "and you'd be C-3PO because you never shut up."

Lorne only sat in the sofa in Elizabeth's office and shook his head. They had been sitting in Doctor Weir's office for the last couple hours trying to guess his name and the guesses had ranged from "Dork Boo" to "Da Bomb". Neither which Lorne would have liked anyway.

"Times up, Gentlemen," Elizabeth announced as the clock struck midnight. "Obviously, you still haven't figured out Major Lorne's name, and you probably will _never_ figure out his name, unless he decides to tell you his name right now."

"You know what this means?" Rodney asked John.

"We got screwed by two stupid letters." John looked at Lorne. "All right, Lorne. What does D.B. stand for?"

"Dark Blue."

John and Rodney remained silent and blinked a couple times. John glanced over at Elizabeth to see her expertly restraining herself from laughing in their faces.

"That's very funny, Lorne. You are a lot more creative than we give you credit for."

"It's true, sir," Lorne insisted. "When I was a baby, I liked to point at the night sky. My parents thought that Sky was too pansy, and they figured Blue was too plain; so they figured Dark Blue was different. It was really a toss up between Dark Blue and Midnight Blue. Midnight had too many syllables so Dark Blue won.

"Not only were we screwed by to stupid letters, but _two_ stupid letters of a color! This is so unfair," Rodney glared at Elizabeth.

"I told you. You'd never figure it out."

Rodney furrowed his eyebrows, "I don't know which is worse being Meredith or Dark Blue?"

"Meredith." John said immediately. "D.B. sounds a lot cooler than Meredith on a man."

"Oh, that is so—" Rodney scowled at Lorne, "Why didn't your parents name you Sky?"

"Because his parents loved him… I think. Anyways the 48 hour of silence starts now," John smirked.

Rodney only glared at Sheppard and stalked out of the room back into his lab. John shrugged and exited as well before Elizabeth or Lorne could tempt him into speaking and making them richer.

"At least, now you'll have 48 hour where no one will mention your name."

"And after 48 hours?"

"You're on your own."

"Good to know you're on my side," he said dryly and prepared to exit her office. "You leaked D.B. out, didn't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Major."

"Right," Lorne nodded and returned to his quarters. "Good night, Doctor Weir."

"Good night, D.B."

**--Finis--**


End file.
